the Light frOm heaVEn

What is love? Most of us never find the answer, not atleast the correct one. The point is that there is no correct answer to this. Love is what makes us rise, it is what makes us fall. It is what makes us smile, it is what makes us dissolve in the pool of quiet tears. Love is what makes us hate. I've tried to define love many times in the span of my life, never really managed to succeed.

When I was a kid at school, I thought love meant sharing tiffin at lunch. A girl in my class always used to get yummy sandwiches and I used to get upma. I always wanted to have those yummy sandwiches. I thought I was in love, I never could resist her sandwiches. One day I asked her cutely if I could have a bite. She smiled, boy! girls always know when they have a guy in their grasp. She told me that I could definitely have a bite if I helped her solve her maths homework. I did and was rewarded with half the sandwich. This developed into a regime with newer exotic foods coming in. I was so happy, I started messing up my hair whenever I met her, so that she be impressed with me. But then came this senior, tall and dark, who seemed to have a way with girls. He swept her off her feet and for some reason, the girl didn't find my math solving skills an attraction any more. With her went those juicy sandwiches which I always dearly longed for. Lesson number one, love is about sharing stuff but not just food.

As I grew up, I found this awesomely cute girl with a petite nose. She was witty you know. But somehow, she always found herself in a fix. I always did my best to help her out of it, and in the process felt a strange attraction which I'd never felt before. I always used to hang back after assembly to seek an excuse to talk to her. My crush for her continued for a good long 7 years, but I did nothing about it. She always treated me as a good friend, even now she does. I always wanted to be her 'boyfriend', the guy who takes her to movies, and discusses 'stuff' with her. She always used to sit besides this guy in the English class and gaze dreamily at him. I so wanted to be this guy. She kept on changing guys, but never let me in. So I learnt lesson number two, there are two sides to a coin - the love graph is always bipartite.

I grew up to be a typical nice guy who hadn't hurt a soul, never crossed a line. But something had got to give. I was like a box that was stuffed with too many springs, bursting to be opened. There was this girl - a wild orchid. She let the devil inside me loose. She was like the wind, bursting with passion, with energy. We never really got to the words. She never really showed how she felt for me, but deep down she always cared for me. She told me that I needed a makeover - both physical and in my personality. She rekindled the killer instinct that lay dormant in me. She always lectured me on how crappy relationships can be, and how we shared a perfect bond. I knew for sure I was in love. However our relationship was a constant hide and seek, a see-sawing journey through truth and lies, love and hate, smiles and tears. We were never really true to each other, and with time, the sandcastles of love that we had fortified, dissolved amidst the unforgiving thistles of lies. I did a lot of self thinking at this time - I had lost hope in the concept of love, that there could ever be pure love, without blemish, without lies, without fear. How do you know when someone is perfect for you? Imagine yourself in your scariest moment and find that someone right beside you. I did this test on her and knew instantly that she wasn't the perfect person for me, as my scariest moment then was the time she drifted away from me. Lesson number three, lies should not orchestrate love; unless your love stands the fire of truth, it will always wane out into a pile of dust.

So what really is love? Is it just a pleasant word that we use to describe our affection, our trust or is it the precursor to the anti-feeling - hate. Friends, you want to know when you're in love. It is when you are falling down into a bottomless pit of anger and anguish and suddenly you see light above. It is when you're turning hot all over, and a calm touch makes you shiver. It is when close your eyes and see warmth in a cold, cheerless December night. It is when the angel who sits by your side, takes away all your fears. It is when the cold malice in your head stops stirring and gives way to the pure blue flames of trust and respect. It is when you see yourself in the eyes that stare back at you. It is when you see that perfect person stand by your side, in your scariest moment, hand in hand till the black clouds pass away and radiant sun rays bask you in a moment of rapture and joy. You are in love, when your partner brings out the truth in you - the goodness in you. It might even be for 7 days or a lifetime, but the fire burns unquenched. You are falling in love when you can't wait to see the cute stares and feel the smoochie woochies that cause the corners of your mouth to curl up in an innocent smile that cannot be smothered by the intricacies of life. You're rising in love when the very image of a person makes you stronger. Once you're touched by this heavenly light, you know for sure you can find your way across the abstruse maze of life.

Love is not something which you can cultivate over time. It hurts and it heals. It helps you stand up on your feet when you're wheeling after straight shots of vodka, it helps you dry up your tears when you're in the lowest point of your life. It causes you to smile when you eat bongo burgers after just 10 minutes of slow jogging. It helps you laugh when you eat corn nuggets and curly fries. It causes you to silently cry when your friend limps away from his dreams and later comes up against all odds holding crutches and winning hearts. It helps you bond with person who when giving advice, asks for a 2 minute break to sleep peacefully. It is the feeling that helps you laugh incessantly at "arre main toh yahi soch raha hoon" and later "kya makhau aatma hai yaar". It is the feeling that you store in the deepest darkest corners of your heart so that they do not wither away with the ravages of time. For a lover, love is never over.

So here's a final lesson - you don't try to find love, because love will find you.

my tRUTH LESSons

Friends and lovers, I am very good at lying so really you cannot be sure how true this statement is. That said, I have made some very honest attempts to speak the truth, to bare my heart out, but all such trials were met with sarcasm, laughter, anger, and breakage of my aortic pumps (I remember Joey using this phrase for Chandler’s Best Man speech in F.R.I.E.N.D.S). However in scenarios where I haven’t, I actually was met with admiration, and awesome comments.

This was way back when I was kid with side parted hair and all. My mom had this habit of forcing food stuffs on me as most Indian moms do. It also so happens that whatever I didn’t like then, my sister loved them. It so happened that evening that my sister and I were served food item ‘x’, where x and Abhijeet are highly incompatible. So what I did was I quietly threw ‘x’ out into the garbage can outside my house. Upon being asked as to how I ate up ‘x’ without a fuss, I made a cute little sad face, looking up at my mom with teary eyes and said that my sister happened to eat my share of ‘x’. So not only my mom made ‘y’ for me, and here ‘y’ stands for yummy, she also chided my sister for being so rude to me. This was a new moment for me, where I was like Robin Hood who not only defeated the evil prince at archery but also won the maiden’s heart. I had shot two arrows with one bow or for that matter killed two birds with one arrow. I rejoiced so much that I chose not to do homework that night and play ‘Frogs’ and ‘Dig-dugs’ instead. Human mind is obscure, and when you talk of me, weird things have happened. For no reason, I felt guilty of making 1 + 1 = 4 and violating Einstein’s famous energy equations, and went to my mom and told her the truth about dumping ‘x’ in the garbage. She made me have ‘x’ for the next 30 days! See, when good things happen to you, don’t fool around with them, just let them be.

Then I grew up to be a nice little kid with glasses and all and still the parted hair, this was tenth grade. There was this girl on whom I had a huge crush on since the very first time I met her. She was very cute, a little short, I really liked her nose you know, ok let me not divert from the topic. So as it happens, this girl gained weight as all girls do, so once she asked me casually, “do I look fat?”. Ok guys, when a girl asks you this, especially someone who looks gorgeous or is someone you may want to ask out sometime, you just have to say no without blinking. Even if you blink, girls get suspicious and are put off. But the magnitude of hilarity of my answer was so great, that this ruined whatsoever chance left for me to ask her out let alone be close to her. I looked her up and down and again up, made a straight face and asked “where?” The next time when in KGP when someone asked me that, I immediately replied with a well rehearsed “of course not” and this made them immensely happy. I must confess though that I tried the not-to-be-repeated answer with the latter when asked the same question again. She seemed pleased though a little coy to my utter surprise. See my point now? Just to be clear, I had lost my parted hairstyle by then and had the current one.

But does lying then help bring out good things for us, in circumstances? Does truth really suck?

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by frost.”

No guys, turns out it doesn’t. My mom may have forced me to eat ‘x’, but from that day onwards she started giving attention to my wants and desires, and for the record, ‘x’ is one of my favorite dishes now-a-days. With my high school crush, well we guys never went out, which was really a good thing given my current state, because seriously when I started to know her, I really thanked myself for that answer. Love and friendship are not trophies which lie can ever win for us, atleast not permanently. Why should you say that you love a guy when you actually don’t? Why toy with someone’s feelings when you are just hiding beneath a façade of lies? Why do you have to say the three words that mean a lot to someone, in your fourth grade and later talk about your better halves with them over Yahoo! chats? What do you expect, that you be loved and not love back? Well people, if you want to build a relationship, build it on trust, on truth. Lies will only break hearts, bruise existing relationships. Of course there always be a comic villain – a hot spoilt vixen in case of girls, and a cute looking, rich kid in case of guys, who always steals the show because you lied to your sweet heart or were lied to by them.

Sometimes truth hurts. People turn their backs on you when you tell them what you really are. Those who stick around or later on come back to you, they turn out to be your awesomest friends. Sometimes, when you unload your true feelings on someone, they actually may start liking you for being the man you are. Sometimes when you tell your wingie, dude your room stinks like hell, he may actually turn out to be cool, say “arre yaar, ab iskya kar dalein, makda rehta hai to macchar nahi aate room pe! nheheh” and be one of your best friends. People generally preach that lies sometimes help save relationships. What a load of crap! If relationships were meant to be, how could they not hold strong against the fire of truth. If they cannot, maybe you should stop lying and trust your heart where it actually lies.

It is hard not to lie being a professional myself. It is hard to admit that you require the warmth of your friends’ ‘bhaat sessions’ just to cool off things, it is painful when speaking the truth means breaking your heart and saying goodbyes to relations that were mere sandcastles built on lies. But it is even more rejoicing when being candid, helps you win your broken-heart back. Sometimes that beautiful girl whom you never expected to accept you back after all the harsh truths, may just turn out to be a special, unerasable chapter in your life. It is hard not to cry when someone you love, someone with whom you’ve spent your awesome years – learning to be carefree, learning the art of creating PJs, knowing to say oxen and monkey curses, eating hot and spicy fried maggi that you will leave you with a watery nose, having wild treats when people dance to ‘Tip-tip barsa paani’ of ‘Mohra’, someone with whom you’ve seen your future, departs. Suddenly the windmill’s blades stop rotating, and the air stops whispering. The only voice you hear is that of someone within you wanting to be set free. If you want to be true to that little person inside you who helps you out through all your pain, cheers you in moments of sadness, and gives you the strength to run that last mile, try and let those tears fall, for they shall help you bond with yourself to be a strong and truthful individual.

It takes courage to stand by the truth, takes just a moment of weakness to lie and later realize “It's my heart, and it’s broken.” [Finnegan Bell from the movie Great Expectations]

friENDs and lOVERs at KGP

It was July the 20th, around 9:30 pm, I had moved into Room A-201, R.K. Hall with two of the most atypical room-mates – Prem and Neeraj (better known as Chom). It was after our orientation meeting, an uneasy silence lay between the three of us, when Prem, who was listening to Avril’s Skater Boy, asked me, “Abe loud music se jyada load to nahi na”. In reply, I had to brag, “Haan be koi load nahi hai, my house was on the main road”. The two them burst out laughing and this was how we became the awesomest of friends.

Life without my friends wouldn’t have been easy, really. All of them pitched up when the going was tough, they all were there in the moments of rapture. I’ve had fights with them, gotten shouted at, not talked for days, sometimes even tried to cut them off. It was just not possible man! After all they were the ones who were there amused and all, when I was just a formals-donning, candy-eating guy who wore a watch to the mess table to time his meals and used scissors to put his Goodnight mats into the machine because he was scared of getting infected. After all they were the ones, who were there with me, when I got low scores in my exams, laughing and making me laugh at the stupidity of the entire getting-depressed-over-such-low-scores thing. I’ve had some huge fights over trivial matters like alarm clocks or whether to let the windows open at night, or whether to keep the lights on at night. Some fights were pretty serious when it came down to broken hearts, bruised relationships, torn egos. After all, we tend to get more judgmental about the people who are closest to our hearts. Some of them complained about my sense of humor that bombed (the legendary PJs), some of them(mostly of the opposite sex) disliked my incessant fascination for black tees and not the maroon ones! However all of them rejoiced when I rose to Institute Rank 1 in my second year at Kgp, and all of them stood by me, as I lost it later on, reassuring me that I was a stud in much larger ways. When I got a low score in GRE, and the whole world around me told me I would have to bid adieu to my dreams at Stanford, those were the people who asked me to keep my cool and go on. Those were the people who saw me feel awful for the not making it into MSR, Redmond, they were only ones who said “koi nahi be, kya karta jaake waise, Microsoft mein Linux install maarta :p Anyways, Microsoft sucks!” when the entire junta remarked sarcastically, “kya be Abhijeet, tera nahi hua MSR!” These are the very people whose support has carried me to Stanford eventually.

With them, I’ve seen it all. Seen these people break down when their high school sweethearts broke up with them. Seen them cry when their dreams shattered. Seen them writhe in considerable pain, yet have the guts to pick up the crutches and go on to win hearts. I’ve seen them quietly struggle with their temper and adversities and keep a pretty face on. I’ve seen the calmest of them lose their cool being frustrated over fixed campus placements. I’ve seen the most outgoing amongst them blush at being discovered receiving 7 missed calls in a span of like 10 minutes, later on picking up the missed call, when he was supposed to call back thereby eliciting a response, “abhi nahi! baad mein karo”. I’ve poked around the dudest of them just to hear them say, “Arre nahiii!”. I’ve seen the cutest of them play Metacafe games all throughout the day drinking sutta and boozing on whiskey. I’ve seen the strongest of them, sulk over the fact that his egoistic crush blocked him over “Gee-talk!” for having made a stupid joke over her status. I’ve seen the latter, run like Milkha Singh from the Nescafe, rapidly blushing, because I had cleverly planned for their paths to cross. I’ve seen the same, covering his face with a newspaper that too upside down, upon relentless leg-pulling ;)

I’ve jokingly spit water and gotten spat at waiting for dinner. I’ve spent night outs talking about imperfect relationships, confused minds, broken hearts, and growing passion. I’ve listened to how cute couples are imperfect underneath, and discovered how shallow love can be. Hell, I’ve even talked about penguins, world wars, cars that run at exponential speeds and what not. I’ve seen people lose their faith in love and make me do so. I’ve seen people making me relive the relationships that left them tattered and vengeful. Some of it left me feeling torn inside, and insecure. But what the hell really, some bruises are worth fighting for, some people are worth losing your heart to. Sometimes it’s hard to let someone go, someone you’ve felt one with, someone who has really looked into your depths and understood you, but life’s not about perfect happy endings. Sometimes, people don’t want to let you down, but they do, inspite of knowing how much it hurts. You know, it’s all well and good to talk about happy endings but if a person can’t deliver, if she/he keeps screwing up, well, eventually, you kind of just have to say ‘fuck you!’ or words to that effect.

I’ve seen the heart-broken, afraid to accept love again, go on to make a cricket squad of girls wanting them, of course, on being asked as to who had moved to the opener’s slot, I always got a well rehearsed “Naah yaar, I’m NOT INTERESTED” or “Sab chaman hai yeh log”. I’ve laughed with others on hearing the latter say, “Mein chaman ho gaya hoon. Jo bhi acchi bandi dikhti hai, woh mujhe pasand aane lag jaati hai!”. I’ve seen some of them, give their heart to basketball, taking layups in their sleep or bending their legs like a girl and then shooting! I’ve seen the coolest of them get his cheek bones toned as a result of constant blushing amidst numerous stares at the mess table. I’ve woken them up in their deep sleep to take a casual stroll to have Fried Maggi. Or because I needed someone to dump my worst fears, or my imploding self. When I was heartbroken myself, I have woken up the laziest of them, and accompanied him on a cold, cheerless, December night to have tea at 4 am in just pyjamas and a thin sweater.

I’ve heard them, amused at the description of their crushes – some were hot, some cute, some so cute that they had word cutie attached to their names, some were just awesome, some were good but a little fat, for some there were no feelings from down below, and some were just ‘bubbly’! Some of those crushes were Hindus, some Muslims, some Tams and even Buddhists. I’ve silently seen people fall apart and cry when we parted ways in our final years. I’ve seen people in the final year constantly update their blogs on nostalgia and French girlfriends. I’ve seen that excitement when we met each other again at the Convocation. I have finally given way to them, and let the impregnable heart of Abhijeet open up, keeping no secrets about love, pain and happiness. Sometimes the ravages of time do leave you too bruised to keep your pain to yourself. Sometimes, you just have to get it off your chest, although it doesn’t help the pain, the fact that someone knows what you are going through, gives you that extra push to make it through the bouts of anguish.

Sometimes it’s hard to forgo people who have made the ‘maa’, ‘behen’ curses sound like music to your ears. It’s hard to let go of people who’ve clung on to you in their sleep, after watching their first horror movie, and for whom you have to disregard the loud snores! It’s really painful to be distant from those with whom you’ve gotten wasted and ended up watching romantic movies as “Hum Aapke Hain Kaun”, and “Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge”, telling each other teeny tiny secrets as to who clenched whose hand in fourth grade and all. You may try to portray yourself as a cold hardened guy, but sometimes the warmth around is so much that you’ve just have to agree that the Aunties’ daughter did look amazing in that weird hairstyle of hers and the salwaar. Kya latke jhatke the uske! Hai! mar jaawa! Sometimes it really doesn’t matter what you end up as – a scotch drinking, gun-toting Stanford graduate or a hardened individual whose personal life has taken the toll with similitude of a ping-pong ball. Sometimes life makes you hard enough to dry up your tears. However, moments of saying good-bye to your dearest buddies, drinking the last cup of tea together in campus, or hugging for the one last time in wing corridors, seeing the train go by with one of the awesomest individuals you’ve never learnt to live without, bidding adieu to some relationships to salvage your friendship and other stable relationships, brings you to the edge and just teeters you into that abyss of silent tears.

I’ve learnt its not important how we end up in relationships, the journey together as friends, as lovers, as sinners – it’s this that makes our lives delightful. Sometimes, the feel of someone’s palm on yours calms the fire raging within making the heart tranquil. Sometimes when the harsh rain strikes the earth unleashing all its fury, when the world around is submerged in a mirth of its own, suddenly time stops, the loud rock music gives way to a deep lull, and the world comes to a freeze around two lips that brush. The punches and the gpls that you receive, sometimes mean the world to you, the high fives and old-school lame handshakes bring on that innocent smile untouched by the abstruseness of the world around us. Sometimes it’s worth it to raise that glass once more to toast the journey together. Sometimes, it’s worth just to hold on to that last hug, the last handshake, not for the sake of remembering your friends but to relive your wildest days once again. Love you kgp!

Fast Come-Unification

Communication is getting fast! Really fast! If you miss someone who is at some location beyond your geographical knowledge, what do you do? If that person does not already have a Gtalk id or equivalent, you log on to Orkut, or some social networking site, type their name and send them a message. And bam! An instant later you get a notification, “One new message”. In India, if you miss your better half, who is out of station, what do you do? You call them using the Reliance Mobile so that you can have uninterrupted pleasure-talk sessions. It is not Gtalk these days, it is infact ‘Gee, Talk!’ If you’re some homesick guy in the U.S, U.K you can have voice/video chat with your family back home constantly reassuring that you’re having awesome food and are strictly a virgin when it comes to drinks and women, or in some weird cases, men! You get GBPS LAN connections these days, so downloading porn, television series and games just became more fun. And yes, what do you do when you meet that special girl you’ve always dreamed about? Do you tell her about your feelings, how much she means to you, or how special she makes you feel? Do you take her to a romantic setting, with white curtains and red carpets, two glasses of champagne and the gusty wind, and profess your love for her. Naah! You just say some sleazy pickup lines and get right to the business ;) I’m not saying it is bad to be so horny and less communicative, but sometimes it does not pay to talk and let your partner into your heart. To this most couples would say “Corporeal actions speak more than words – it’s a kind of chemical phenomenon you wouldn’t understand, you need to be in love”. I have nothing to say to the above other than, “Please read between the lines”. A human heart has no means to communicate with other hearts, human or not, so put your tongue into good use, not just the erotic places. Sometimes, you would be surprised how better you feel when you’ve opened your heart to someone. These things are not achieved by fantastic kisses, or out-of-the-world make-out sessions, but through taking time and talking your heart out.

Now come over to the so-called chat-linguistics a.k.a ‘chat-room lingo’. Sorry, I just used two of them ‘a.k.a’ and ‘lingo’. This is pathetic – language is going to the dogs. Okay what is really the hurry, you can spend hours shagging off in some cheap café or at home but you cannot take time to type proper English words to your chat room buddy? Enthusiasts will again oppose, “This lingo just makes communication with a buddy so cool and jazzy! And not to mention quick too! Full words are just so lame”. Again I have nothing much to say to this except, “When you make you make-out, why do you take some much time to get really intense with your make-out buddy, when what you’re doing is essentially fluid exchange and can be easily and quickly achieved by storing them in fancy, iced containers and then exchanging them. It would be quick, jazzy and cool too!” However college linguistics and nicknames are not be confused with chat-room talk. Names as Bhaatu, Chochu, faccha are too cute to be given up.

Our political leaders have another amusing means of communication – they neither use chat-room linguistics or sleazy pickup lines. They rather throw chairs in the parliament sessions or make vulgar verbal assaults in a ‘civilized crowd’. Come to think of it, how many leaders have you seen actually using proper, well-formed words to convince others of the logic behind their propaganda?

A brief note before I continue further – this is not in appraisal of the Bengali people, who are credited for talking too much. No way, they don’t talk much, not essential or logical stuff anyway :), it is just that they talking awfully fast and loud, so anyone can misjudge the quantity and quality of their talk to be substantial.

Okay, tell me how this sounds – the movie Independence Day without that inspirational speech by the American president? Or if those cute Bollywood movies where the protagonist and his love interest go through lot of struggles and finally fall in love and make out in the end, lacked the poignant lines and just cut to the sex. How would it be different from some cheap pornographic movie?

Let me deviate from the topic now. Most people would deem this weird and insensible. Chatting is a fast way to get to your friends no doubt. Gee-talk is awesome in many ways, mainly because it gives ‘phone-bill conscious’ people a freeway to talk. But it sort of ruins that excitement when you receive a mail. If you communicate over a long period of time over mail it is far more exciting than you do on a chat, atleast I feel so. Take an example, consider a beautiful girl who was your crush adds you on Gee-talk. You feel elated, you buzz her and you guys have a long chat that leaves you exhausted and with a different impression of that girl – an impression which is neither pleasant or worthy of a crush. I’m saying from personal experience that even sensitive things (which I miss out to convey in word-of-mouth) in mails have always been, well, exciting and more comfortable. It’s always been like that love in first sight experience, there’s always the thrill, the anticipation of a reply. In chat, you tend to overlong conversations that were meant to be short or cutoff on some important conversations. Anyways, it’s just a thing what I have always felt.

Coming back, the point is – people, it is sometimes just enough to talk random even it does not make sense, just to channel your thoughts, emotions and for the clichéd ‘getting it off your chest’. If this is not enough, just do it to exercise your jaws! Couples, leaders and common man, instead of ‘just’ – making out, fighting, resorting to violent means, using vague vocabulary or in some cases loud meaningless Bengali talk, please make an effort to talk your way effectively in and out of things, in a calm manner. So next time you take your girl friend (or someone else’s for that matter) out, talk to her about things – break up honestly if you think things are not working out, just do not keep the relationship going because of the sex (nicknamed as ‘passion’ by most) or if things are perfect, talk about it to make her feel special and then get down to business! There’s a reason why all couples in the world say the clichéd ‘I love you’ in some form of the other. Think about it!

Let’s not make our conversations fast and short rather let the medium of communication be fast while the communication be true, effective, and of its apposite length!